Brag of the Female SubGenius

by Magistra Batrix/Magus Coyote

("…Discovered graven with a rock-bore laser into the floors of Mohenjo-Daro, under three feet of fossilized kitchen-midden, in Linear-B script.")

(Channeled in a sexy contralto, with interjected purrs, moans, sighs, etc.)

"I'M THE INFRA-RED WOMAN! I've got the Beast of the Abyss between MY legs! I'm tighter than a CONSTIPATED SCOTSMAN in a PAY-TOILET! I've got muscles in my snatch that haven't even been EVOLVED yet! I make the Virgin Mary look like the Grand Canyon! You can run DEEP, but with ME you CAN'T run silent! I'll make you HOWL SO LOUD, they'll be GREEN-EYED on the MOON! The New Age was INVENTED just for me – I WORE THE OLD ONE OUT! I put the MAGICK in Sex-Magick! I SHOCKED ALEISTER CROWLEY and made the LAST TEN POPES give up their vows! Who do you think SAPPHO wrote all those POEMS to? I'm SO GOOOOOD, I made the Great Stone Face come THREE TIMES – and he doesn't even EXIST from the neck down! I make Linda Lovelace look like a STORE-WINDOW DUMMY with LOCKJAW! Come on and GIVE me AIDS, baby – I'll recombine it with my OWN E. COLI plastids and turn it into VENEREAL MESCALINE! I sweat nectar and menstruate ambrosia, I pee milk and honey, and I shit Cakes of Light! When I take off MY clothes, fist-fights break out all over Mount Olympus! I've got more swing in my hips than the San Francisco Earthquake! I'm BITCHY! I'm shrill and I'm NASTY! I'm a REAL shrew! Mad rapists run screaming for help to the RAPE CRISIS CENTER when they see ME coming! I gave the Anti"Bob" back his OWN VD and turned him into a RADICAL FEMINIST! When I'M in heat, they come for MILES around for a try at me – dogs, cats, wolves, bears, randy goats, 12-point bucks, pterodactyls, and swallow-tail butterflies right alongside the men! I DO IT WITH BASILISKS! FRODO beat the shit out of DOPEY, SNEEZY AND DOC just so HE could get into my flower garden! They'll never stick THIS cunt in a kitchen – unless that's where it WANTS to be! I NEVER pay taxes – the government pays ME to WEAR OUT THE WORK FORCE! I don't charge MONEY for it, honey – I charge SLACK! When they call ME a BITCH, I just BARK RIGHT BACK at 'em! I CREATED Time Control, darlin' – if you've got FIVE MINUTES, I'll give you an AEON of SHEER ECSTASY! Nuclear power plants hide in SHAME when I go by! MY snatch glows in BROAD DAYLIGHT! I'M the reason Cuban Supermen were INVENTED! I made the Premier of the USSR sing "Alright By Me in America" and MEAN it! I fucked the Devil into Heaven, and Saint Peter into Hell! I took on the Flaming Sword of the Archangel Michael, and PUT IT OUT! THE FIGHTIN' JESUS GAVE UP FIGHTING to have one more go with ME! The Blob got hard as a rock, thick as a brick, and stiff as steel at the mere SIGHT of MY sweet thang! You heard the XISTS are coming? WELL, I'M THE REASON, DARLIN'! I'm a FUSION REACTOR, baby – LET'S FUSE! I'm so hot, I fart pure ambergris and I PISS CHAMPAGNE! HAL 9000 BLEW HIS FUSES over ME! I made the BAD "BOB" say PLEASE AND THANK YOU! I made an HONEST MAN of RICHARD NIXON and then put HORNS on him with HENRY KISSINGER! I'M the reason ELVIS is GOD! And who do you think pulls HOWDY-DOODY'S strings, hmmm? I put put the STARCH in Priapus's PECKER! Elijah Muhummad FOUND DOBBS and started a Clench in Cincinatti, after one night with ME! I blow the tops out of THERMOMETERS! I make TAXI-METERS run BACKWARDS! You've heard of Black Holes? Well, come on up and see me sometime, sweetheart, and I'll show YOU a Naked Singularity! I put the "collapse" in collapsars! I GIVE GREEN STAMPS! I don't SHAVE under my arms – I MOW…when I don't BRAID! I left my NECTAR on the WASHINGTON MONUMENT and DOUCHED with the MISSISSIPPI RIVER! I don't catch CRABS – I catch MOUNTAIN LIONS! So STEP ASIDE, all you slab-sided, prune-faced, whey-fleshed, dishrag-cunnied, androphobic, GYNOphobic, SARCEphobic, BIOphobic, paint-covered, latex-armored, beehive-hairdo'ed, pinch-browed, antiseptic, chemical-stenched, stilt-heeled, pucker-butted GUNNYSACKS OF WEASEL-JERKY! I can out-think, outwit, out-joke, and out-FUCK any FIFTY men…and ANY 500 PINKS! I fold, staple, spindle, and mutilate whole BUREAUCRACIES! I don't just holler and yell – I BREAK WINDOWS and SHATTER CHANDELIERS TWENTY COUNTIES UPWIND when I start feeling good! I make a FOOL of myself with STYLE! I SET TRENDS! I have SENATORS for familiars! The American Academy for the Advancement of Science made telepathy ILLEGAL and and declared PSYCHOKINESIS a MORTAL SIN, thanks to me! I put the "Mo" in "Mojo" – and then TOOK IT OUT again! When I pass by, geldings turn back into stallions and STEERS go after LOCOMOTIVES! I INVENTED SIN, honey! I'M the reason that being BAD feels SOOOO GOOOOOD… When the Incredible Hulk butt-fucked ME, I pyroflatulated him into the NEXT COUNTY! I'm quadruple-jointed! I make octopi look ARTHRITIC! REAL MEN PAY to CATCH VD from ME! I don't get zits; I break out in BON-BONS and ECLAIRS! I leak ELIXIR VITAL by the GALLON! You heard that Hitler had only one ball? GUESS WHY. Bend all the spoons you WANT, honey; I straightened URI GELLER'S tool with MY unaided ESP, and stroked off the DALAI LAMA with ONE IDLE THOUGHT! When I bat my eyelashes, MONKS pew away their LAST CHANCES AT HEAVEN! Nuns AND junkies give up their HABITS for me! I drove the WHORE OF BABYLON out of business! Astarte invented aphrodisiacs just to KEEP UP with me! I am a mink in heat, I am a Tyrannosaurus Regina on the MAKE, I make JAWS look like a Small-Mouthed Bass! A Black Hole is a CONVEX compared to me, and once you TRY me, you'll think the Big Bang is nothing but a WET FIRECRACKER! I BEND in places where MOST women don't even HAVE places! I am a walking, talking, strutting, balling VOLCANO! I PRE-EMPTED Our Lady of Fatima! UFOSs fight to see which one gets to have a Close Encounter with ME! Prophets give up their VISIONS for just one LOOK at me! JOHN THE BAPTIST came back to life to give ME some of his head! I CREATED DNA! Where do you think Calvin Klein got his genes? You think YOU'RE Illuminated? I make thermonuclear blasts look like the INSIDE OF A DARKROOM! The Buddha TRADED IN NIRVANA for me! The TREE OF LIFE! is watered with MY nectar! I eat the Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil for a BETWEEN-MEALS SNACK! They had to invent a WHOLE NEW SIGN in the ZODIAC just for me: CLITTIS, THE PORNOGRAM! You wouldn't BELIEVE the aspects to MY Nodes, darlin' – my chart's got ALL the Angles! HEISENBERG came up with the UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE after he met ME! They had to invent NON-EUCLIDIAN GEOMETRY just to describe MY curves! Where do you think the camel got his HUMP? I'M the reason for the billy-goat's Horn! I'M THE ONE WHO FUCKS 'EM WHEN THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE – and makes 'em SMILE AGAIN! I'm SO weird, the Discordians join the REPUBLICAN PARTY in SHEER SELF-DEFENSE! I put the "Libertine" into "Libertarian"! I make ELVIS look DULL! I'm the reason the Second Coming is TAKING SO LONG – Jesus hasn't recuperated from his FIRST one with me yet! I'm the Queen of Heaven, the Dark Lady of Space, the Lovely Black Star of the Sea! I'm on cave walls, in the Temple of Karnak, on the walls of Pompei and the CATHEDRAL OF NOTRE DAME! I'M IN THE PRE-SCRIPTURES! JEHOVAH-1 burns INCENSE to ME! I'm…"

[floor runs out]