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Legend of the Guardians

I Just Paid Good Money to See Legend of the Guardians – The Owls of Ga'hoole

Which would be a GREAT silent movie. It's visually just as lush as can be. Unfortunately, in the theater we saw it in, they had the sound turned on, which meant we could hear the literally laughably trite dialog, which meant we could also follow the story. And that is the sad part, because we have seen this maudlin story and heard this insipid dialog ten hundred million billion times.

The movie could just as well have been titled any of these:

It's all CGI and it all looks fabulous, albeit extremely Zack-Snydery, what with the constant switching from fast motion to slow motion. The feathers are great. Many "quill software designers" died for this sappy, incredibly corny movie.

I don't think we were supposed to laugh out loud at the Owl Fu or the "inspirational" owl speeches or, for that matter, the extremely clumsy look of a photorealistic owl uttering Disneyesque claptrap. But at least there were no sex scenes.

Before the movie there were many trailers for upcoming kids' films and comedies. Each trailer was a parade of "OW MY BALLS" shots. I guess, when it's "OW MY BALLS" time, you get "OW MY BALLS."

I had hoped to be dead before seeing, for instance, a CGI "OW MY BALLS" Yogi Bear movie, or, more blasphemous, a CGI "OW MY BALLS" Road Runner vs. Coyote cartoon, which I also saw this day.

I forgot the obvious one:

Review by Rev. Ivan Stang