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Magic Cone

I suppose I can sympathize. Having to sit on any public toilet can be a disgusting experience…

Additional commentary:

 >> Most disgusting toilets I've EVER seen, and I mean thoroughly
 >> DISGUSTINGLY dirty were the women's toilets at Gettysburg Natl. Park
 >> in the 70's. Oh my gawd! Those filthy chicks! Even a cone won't help!
 > I use to have a job where one of my duties were to clean the restrooms at
 > closing time. Nine times out of ten, the women's was way nastier than the
 > men's. The worst days were when they left their bloody kotexes smeared all
 > over the place <--this really happened (more than once). used to have a set of instructions explaining how to
pee standing up. But the page seems to be gone and now they are just shilling
for prosthetic devices. Seriously - do you think the she-yeti used some goddamn
plastic cone made of corporate chemicals? Something from duPont or
maybe even union carbide?

From memory, the instructions were just to use a couple of fingers to open the labia.
Duh. The only trick was that you not put your fingers to either side of the urinary
metaus (pee hole), because this streteches the shape and causes spraying. Put the fingers
slightly above. Oh, and push out strongly and crimp off the flow descisively to avoid
dribbling. You aim with your hips. Every one is different, so practice in the bathtub
or shower recess to get used to the angle at which it comes out for you. In other
parts of the world, girls learn this in childhood, same as boys lear to aim their

Speaking of toilet habits, sitting on a pedestal toilet to void your bowels is
unnatural and a conspiracy to keep us at all times holding a plug of shit in
our butts. Nature's way it to squat - just watch your dog. After a lifetime of
sitting to shit you lose the flexibility to perform a basic biological
, the con at it's most intimate and insidious.

Asians and other peoples who clean their anuses with a splash of water
find the western habit of using toilet-paper to be unsantiatry and gross. Go
down to the mall, the library, your workplace, and ponder the simple fact
that every person there including you has a patina of dried shit between
their butt-cheeks, not even dried if they are sweating.

And while on the subject of being robbed of the very ability to perform
natural, human acts: have you ever seen the graceful way that
a person who did not grow up with chairs and beds rises from the floor
to standing? Is there anything more comical that an industrialised
pink trying to do the same thing? Bob help us! We can't even stand up
any more! Looking around for a chair because we are afraid of the very