06-08-2013

I only have 26 friends on Facebook, but I can't post there about my feelings, because if I do then I'll get messages and calls from my family. If three people read this post I'll be surprised, so it's a better way for me to talk about myself and not have it spread all over the place. I could take the old-fashioned method of writing in a diary or journal, then I'd be guaranteed no one reads it other than myself. But I'm not writing anything intimate about my (lack of) sex life, so it's not like this message is going to show up on anyone's news feed.

I planned to spend yesterday morning having fun, making pizza and watching movies with the neighbors' kids. I sent invitations to three different families, and no one bothered showing up. So after that, I took a trip into Boston to meet someone I'd encountered last weekend. She and I agreed to meet in the Downtown Crossing area, where we'd spend the afternoon/evening. And she didn't bother showing up or calling.

After this, I wandered around for a while feeling depressed. The weather was beautiful, and I ended up on top of the high hill at the center of Boston Common, where the World War I memorial stands. Gang kids hang around up there, wasting time and occasionally smoking and drinking. I went there because the high elevation gave good reception on my cell phone; and I found the breeze to be very refreshing while the trees gave good shade. I spent a couple of hours alternating between bouts of meditation (and even a brief nap while sitting up), and watching the kids as they milled around wasting time, skateboarding, and flirting.

Among the group of kids was one old guy, maybe seventy years old or so. He was chatting around with the kids, talking nonstop and offering "worldly advice" to anyone who would listen. I realized the kids tolerated his presence because he was harmless, but he didn't realize that himself. Apparently, he honestly thought he had been accepted into their crowd, and he didn't see how he was being quietly laughed at. This was demonstrated at one point, where two kids began to build up towards a fight over the usual stupid gang-kid shit – turf, ego, something that happened last week and hadn't really been resolved, and boredom and the desire to cause trouble. The old geezer tried to intervene and keep the two kids apart, shouting stupid things like "We're all in this together, man!", but of course they wouldn't have any of that and they shoved him aside. He finally gave up trying to get involved, but even then he didn't see how much of a sideshow he was. And me? I just sat on one side and didn't get involved. I didn't want to act like an even bigger fool than I was, just for being there. But if I ever reach the point where I start hanging around with kids one-third my age, and honestly believing I'm a part of that crowd…then it will be time for someone to shoot me.

Why am I writing this? Partially to get this off my chest, get this damn depression out of my system by letting it out in writing, and in general because I feel like venting even though I have no one to vent to. At this point in my writing I do feel somewhat better. I'm stuck at home on the pager today, so I can't go back into town today. That's probably a good thing, because I'd just end up wandering around feeling depressed. I suspect that's exactly what's going to happen when I go to Anthrocon, too.

So if you want a glimpse of what my life is like these days, now you know.

The one condolence I have from yesterday is that I came across the perfect hat to wear during the summer months. I bought it at the Army-Navy store: a light-weave black fedora (not straw) that protects my head from the sun, and is thin enough to let the breeze blow throw it and keep my skin cool. It's not a cheap Wal-Mart hat of cloth and cardboard, and I like the style of the hat: it's a fedora with the crown and the back at the same height. I dislike the popular style with this kind of hat these days, where the crown is raised higher than the back. It's a minor difference and I don't know why that little thing disagrees with me, but it does. So I now have a light hat to wear during the summer, and a leather hat to wear during the fall when it gets colder.