The Top XXX Clichés of alt.sex.stories WEB POISON: Trap spammer email address harvesting bots!
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Welcome to an ongoing Internet project, dedicated to collecting and categorizing the silliest, most overused, most unoriginal catch phrases and sayings seen on the popular newsgroup alt.sex.stories. The purpose of this page is twofold:

1) To give aspiring authors and wannabe writers of erotica an idea of what NOT to write when creating new stories.

2) To provide some cheap laughs.

The clichés listed on this site were gathered from commentary posted to alt.sex.stories. I am not the author of these quotes...because I certainly didn't make up these clichés myself. None of these clichés are based on first-hand experience, because I've never met anyone that stupid.

This page will probably always be incomplete. I encourage you to write me at modemac@modemac.com and offer new additions to this list.

But first...a plug for a serious cause. Help defend the Internet!

Who forced anon.penet.fi to shut down? Who hired computer professionals to try to break the Pretty Good Privacy encryption program? Who raided the homes of Internet users in the United States and Europe? And who filed lawsuits or threatened lawsuits against dozens of Internet companies and users in America, Sweden, the Netherlands, France, Australia, and other countries? It's not the FBI and it's not the CIA... it's an organization that calls itself a church! Find out how your access to the Internet is being threatened at:

An Introduction to Scientology


And finally, a Disclaimer:

The quotes and situations described here have been excerpted from fictitious stories posted to the newsgroup alt.sex.stories over the years. They do not reflect real-life situations involving real people (as far as I know). The author and maintainer of this Web site does not endorse, condone, or otherwise encourage acts that are a violation of the law. Furthermore, my own personal opinion is that all sexual interaction between individuals (in real life) should take place on an entirely consensual basis.


We've Seen This Before...

When a woman cums, she screams, "Oohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I'm cuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmiiinnnnnnngggggggggggggggggggg!!!!!!!!!"

When a woman sees a man's penis, she immediately places her mouth on it.

All men have dicks at least 9 inches long and 3 inches wide.

Women's panties become soaked with moisture at the slightest suggestion of sex.

When a man sees a pretty girl, his 9 inch penis immediately becomes rock-hard and she always notices it. When she sees it, she smiles.

If you haven't lost your virginity by the age of 13, your life is over.

All women love to swallow.

Blond goddesses with gigantic breasts and gorgeous bodies are all secretly in love with nerdy computer geeks, and their ambition is to move into the apartment next door to a computer geek.

Men and women always cum at the same time during sex.

Premature ejaculation? Never!

Babysitters are the luckiest people on the face of the earth.

School teachers and college professors are the second luckiest people on the face of the earth.

Women really have the best (or full) orgasms only from phallic intercourse.

"...he thrust his nine-inch rod into her steaming love tunnel." (Can't they write something a little more erotic and suggestive?)

When a husband finds that his wife has been cheating on him, he is more turned on than angry.

When a woman finds that her husband wants to watch her fuck other men, she thinks it a swell idea.

Or, in general - When one person wants some kind of non-standard sexual behavior, everybody else agrees.

Pool boys/gardeners/groundskeepers are the third luckiest people on the face of the earth.

High school (and Jr. High) girls want sex, but don't know where to get it. (Come on, guys. *You* lusted after all those girls in HS. Do you think that they didn't know that? Do you think that the present generation isn't doing the same? Do you think that you are more impressive to a frosh girl than the senior football hero?)

A girl's first date leads to her first kiss before ending with her first fuck.

Every woman, no matter what age, has perfectly trimmed or shaved pubic hair.

People who want sex don't have any obstacles. Parents go out of town for the weekend. When you want a matinee, your opposite number doesn't have a business lunch scheduled. The professor who is offered a sex slave for a passing grade doesn't fear entrapment. Your kid doesn't call for a glass of water. And the phone never rings!

Kids leave the doors to their rooms open while they masturbate. Parents leave their doors open while they have sex.

If a woman has intercourse during her fertile period, she will get pregnant.

All men can consistently deliver 8-10 thick blasts of semen.

All black guys are extremely well hung.

Any copulation between a white woman and a black male will result in pregnancy.

And when a white woman gets a taste of sex with a black man, she will then divorce her husband, quit her job and sell her soul so that she can go on getting creamed by her black lover.

Men who know women's bra sizes from outside their dresses.

All women wear garters instead of panty hose.

Every man dribbles pre-cum all day which doubles when a woman holds his cock.

No one ever smells bad, even after having sex on a cum-soaked mattress for umpteen hours.

All women produce amazing amounts of "juice" that either flows down their legs or drips from their pussy like a leaky faucet. And they never dry out, even after hours of non-stop sex.

All women love pain, causes them to orgasm.

Everbody has a smooth ass. Even men.

Newspaper carriers (both boys and girls) are the fourth luckiest people on the face of the earth.

Parents/spouses/roommates are always conveniently away for the weekend when you need a place to engage in sex (unless of course the sex involves the aforementioned parents/spouses/roommates).

Any woman can deep throat any man no matter how long he is. Even if that means down the esophagus.

"...but when I found out that my husband (or wife) had been seeing someone else, I wasn't angry...rather, I was excited!"

All women in a position of authority have secret desires to be submissive.

Forty-year-old divorced guys have no trouble scoring with large-breasted 18-year-old girls. Forty-year-old divorced women have large-breasted 18-year-old bodies.

All women with small breasts fantasise about having *REALLY HUGE* ones.

"...Ohh, Billy, fuck me hard, fill my love hole, make me cum..." (repeated endlessly)

Women cum about 20 times from straight missionary fucking.

Oral sex is the only way to wake your lover up.

And you still want to perform oral sex in the morning, even though your partner didn't wash his dick or douche after doing anal sex the night before.

Everyone has a perfect body you could break a brick on.

All women in sex stories can give great head. Even the 13-year olds.

"Everyone says their stories are true, but my story really is true. This is not a story but an actual account of a encounter I had with a gorgeous model who happened to have a spread in Hustler magazine..."

The wife has a secret stash of "toys" the husband has no clue about.

Anal sex requires very little preparation time. Even the first time.

Married men love fantasizing about their wives having sex with other men, and they will jump at the chance to let that fantasy come true.

A woman whose male lover has spurned her will invariably be a dyke by the end of the story.

Who needs condoms?

Young males get hard almost immediately after ejaculation (if they indeed lose erection at all) and are able to perform on multiple women (i.e., their own mothers and the mother's three female friends).

Any woman described as having a scientific occupation will invariably be occupied with making her breasts larger.

Every sexually transmitted disease and parasite has been eliminated. (Apparently with the same technology that allows women scientists to grow their breasts.)

When magically granted wishes, men will choose, in this order, the following: An 18" dick, the ability to attract women, and one of the following: obscene riches or the ability to grow breasts larger.

No one is ever nervous or frightened at the prospect of sex.

If a woman has small breasts, she will always have dark, pointy, otherwise amazing nipples.

She also makes up for her deficiency by having a tight ass and a ravenous sexual appetite.

But when a women does have large breasts, they will never flop or sag.

Practitioners of Magick have to do it nude.

Always be on the lookout for underage hitchhiking and homeless girls. If you buy them a meal and give them a place to stay for the night, they will reward you with the best sex you've ever had.

A backrub ALWAYS leads to something else.

Vaginas must be lined with asbestos in order to handle all the molten cum poured into them.

No one ever says "Can't we just cuddle?"

If a married man's wife has a sister, the sister will be a bombshell sexpot (more beautiful than his wife) who is just aching for a chance to leap in the sack with him.

Stretch marks don't exist.

Dozens of men worldwide have perfected mind-control devices which allow them to create huge harems.

Anyone caught in the act of masturbation won't stop, but will instead continue to completion.

Menstrual periods don't exist...except as a way for the woman to discover that she didn't get pregnant that time, after all. (Whew! That means she and her lover can keep on doing it.)

Coeds never wear bras and panties.

Getting ass on campus is easy...just like it was in high school.

Dorm rooms are huge and perfect for orgies.

The only way to relieve yourself is on another person.

Older men always prefer younger girls, no matter how air-headed they may be. Older women are desirable only to younger, teenaged boys...but fortunately, those older women are more than willing to teach those teenage boys how to do it right.

Older guys always have large, gnarly cocks, and they always get it up instantly, on demand, with little or no foreplay, several times in a row, just like they did at 18.

Public places where sex always happens: In a subway car, limo or cab; stopped at a red light; traffic jam or accident; in a stuck elevator. If done in an alley, prepare to see the girl get gangbanged by the hoodlums who live there.

Parents routinely leave porn tapes and sex toys lying around the house for babysitters and children to find. (They do a better job hiding guns.)

No one ever says "I wish you'd shaved today."

If you have a hangup over a particular sex act, you'll get over it once you try it (no matter how perverted it is).

Subs have all the fun. No one ever comes from watching another tied-up person come.

Cocks pound, drill, impale, and skewer. Pussies suck, clamp, and milk. Are we having sex or shop class?

Videos enhance sex. A sexually conservative wife/girlfriend will immediately become an insatiable slut after watching a hot tape.

Fathers about to spank their 14-year-old daughters find them wearing tiny, sheer, silky red or black thong panties.

Male executives about to spank their sexy, voluptuous secretaries find them wearing Carter-style cotton waist-high pre-teen-style underpants.

"I always hear about stuff like this happening to other guys/girls -- I never thought it would happen to me!"

Whenever "kinky" sex is mentioned or even hinted at, out come the nipple clamps. As everyone knows, they're sold in little stands on convenience store counters next to Slimjims and cigarette lighters.

A guy's dick reaches its full length of nine inches by the time he's 13 years old.

No sexually active teenagers have zits.

People in sex stories can always find the thing they're looking for. In bed. In the tangle of sheets. In the dark.

Foreign women will do anything without even thinking about it. American women never think about doing anything until it actually happens.

When anal sex takes place, every anus and every rectum is absolutely clean and doesn't smell.

Any character introduced and described in more than a paragraph after the first 200 lines of a story will be involved intimately with one or more of the previously introduced characters.

Makeup never smears or runs.

Any description of a female must include specific bra and cup size, hair color, and either "full" or "pouty" lips somewhere or another. Precise waist measurements are optional, but common.

Body fat simply does not exist unless the writer has a fetish.

If a guy has a female friend who's a stripper, he'll end up backstage doing all her co-workers. If a girl has a male friend who's a stripper, she'll end up backstage getting gangbanged.

Long hair never gets in the way.

During an orgy everybody's having a great time, everyone is buffed and beautiful, all the sex is hetrosexual (except for women kissing or rubbing each other) and no guy ever gets splattered by all the flying semen.

Your girlfriend's Mom is a carbon copy of her daughter and she's just as horny.

And your best friend's Mom looks like a sex goddess and hasn't had a good fuck in years.

Any story told with a male first-person narrator will describe any other penii in the story (if mentioned at all) as being "somewhat smaller". Optionally: "...smaller but thicker".

The first sexual encounter between two people always proceeds in this order:
1) He sucks her tits.
2) He eats her pussy.
3) She sucks his dick.
4) Missionary fuck.
5) Doggy-style or anal.
Doing it any other way is against the rules.

No one knows how to spell the word "come" correctly.

The guy can always stick it into the girl without missing or fumbling, even the first time, even after drinking.

When visiting married friends not seen since high school/college, you must first smoke pot and get a good buzz going before reaming your buddy's wife in the ass while your own spouse wolfs down gallons of your buddy's come like it was diet pop. Flashback mode seems to work best here.

No one wears contacts.

As the guy is deflowering his virgin partner, he suddenly encounters her hymen about two inches inside her vagina. (Actually, the hymen is a membrane across the opening.)

All high school/college friends live in magnificent houses with hot tubs and spacious living rooms to accommodate sexual activity. And they never have kids (unless the story involves incest).

Men never lose their erection in the middle of things, for no reason.

Women always love having their nipples bitten right away, while they're still warming up.

Beaver shots are non-existent, except when they are used by a female student to increase her grade.

No one ever has a pimple on their ass. (Or a rash, or body odor...)

No one ever gets sore or cramped.

Women love laying there and getting pounded in the same position for hours at a time, especially when taking on three, four, or ten guys in a row.

All women love facials. Really.

The man's dick never accidentally slips out at the wrong moment.

Women "never want a man as bad as this one."

Small, geeky computer nerd types are the wildest, most incredibly capable guys in the sack -- oh, wait. That's true. ;-)


Gay-Lesbian Clichés

A straight woman will go mad with ecstasy when she's eaten out by a lesbian.

A man who discovers that the attractive woman who has been giving him a blowjob is really a guy will admit that he was a latent homosexual anyway.

Two or more high school girls left alone all weekend in a big house will invariably engage in lesbian sex. And when little sis complains about being left out, she is immediately introduced to every sex act imaginable.

Department store dressing rooms are perfect for engaging in lesbian sex. A saleswoman never wonders why her customers are taking twenty minutes to try on a skirt unless they're involved in the sex, in which case the store is left happily unattended.

If you're a single male, visiting married friends will involve your fucking the wife while the husband fucks you because, you know, it just feels right.


Bisexuality Clichés

All attractive women are insatiably bisexual.

But all "bisexual" women really want a man. That's why two women having sex with each other will instantly drop everything and pay all their attention to the man who just walked in on their scene. "Bisexuality" is a desperate attempt to get their rocks off, but it won't work because what they really need is a penis. :-)

But as for the men, they will still go to great lengths to avoid so much as looking at other men (unless they're gay already).


Swinging, Polyamory, "Slut Wife" Clichés

All women have a secret longing to fuck someone other than their husband, so that they can finally see what a "real dick" feels like.

All married men are under-endowed, and every wife cheats with a man whose dick is twice her husband's size (usually a black man).

Husbands never raise an eyebrow when their wives leave the house alone at night dressed in sexy stockings and a garter belt, and head off to the bar.

Every woman has a female friend whose goal in life is to see her friend have the best extra marital sex imaginable. When this friend finds a man she herself would love to fuck, she never tries picking him up or even flirting with him herself, instead she courteously lets the wife have him without any jealousy.

No man ever has any objections when his wife comes home from that bar and tells him how she just got fucked by a stranger, better than she'd ever gotten it from her husband.

Instead of being mad, having just learned that his wife cheated on him with another man, a husband will get more turned on than he's ever been in his life and willingly suck the strange man's cum out of his wife's pussy, shortly before planning her next night out where he will be able to join her and maybe even get to watch her fuck another strange man.

If the husband decides to take part in the orgy involving his wife, he will not actually participate in her adventures until after she's been drenched in sperm by several men/eaten out by a wild lesbian/fucked silly by a total stranger.

Women who cheat on their husband's never get pregnant, unless it is integral to the story and the husband secretly lusts after the idea of his wife having another man's baby.

If a wife is "lucky enough" to have a husband who encourages her to have sex with another man, it only shows her how much he loves her, to let her quench her lifelong thirst for a huge and/or black penis.

Children never object to this type of swinging attitude from their parents, instead they usually take it with a grain of salt.

If a wife doesn't have a husband who agrees to her wish for an extra marital affair, she will always have an affair behind his back and do such a poor job of hiding it that she will invariably be caught by the always forgiving husband.

When a woman has an affair, she always does things with the other man that she has never tried with her husband (most often anal sex).

No jealousy.

Beware if you are planning a vacation with just you and your wife. She will most assuredly have one (and usually multiple) sexual partners while on that vacation. Usually though, it is the husband himself who either sets this up or looks the other way.

Swinging couples who swap partners with each other never get jealous of one another and if they had a previous friendship, it's always looked upon as a big "friendly" gathering, almost like a cookout.

The Superbowl is every wife's big chance to finally get to fuck 2-4 of her husband's closest friends, and these friends are always attractive.

No man ever has to worry about one of his friends trying to sleep with his wife behind his back, even though that friend will secretly lust after her and will always jump at the chance to fuck her once the husband give his consent.

Only men who are already married themselves sleep with another man's wife (presumably because their own wife is already having an affair with another man).

Bosses routinely have sex with their married female employees, with no fear of sexual harrassment charges being filed, and every woman desires sex with ther boss.

After sex, no woman ever tries for advancement by bribing her boss with the threat of going to his wife with details from their sordid affair.

Never get married if you are not prepared to have your wife cheat on you with another man, unless you yourself are willing to help her.

It is common practice for the groom's father and brothers to "break in" his future wife, usually on the wedding day and almost always minutes or at most hours before the ceremony.

When two couples swap partners for a night, both wives prefer sex with the other woman's husband over their own.

An affair by a woman will always be found out, usually when the husband discovers some incriminating evidence carelessly left "just lying around in her purse." Never will divorce be filed for, cause remember people, the husband "always wanted it this way" and "it will turn him on beyond belief".

A woman who has refused to swallow her husband's sperm for 15 years will suddenly find herself overcome with the desire to do it for another man who she just met.

When a woman wants to have an affair, she immediately becomes very undiscerning and never worries that the person she finds in the bar and fucks minutes after meeting him might have a sexually transmitted disease.

If a woman is fertile and looking to have sex outside of her marriage, she will never think to use protection and when the man "generously" offers to put on a condom before entering her, she will grab the condom out of his hand and throw it away, telling him that she wants to "feel him".

Only married women looking to cheat on their husband go to bars, and only horny young guys who are looking for married women are there to pick them up.


Voyeurism Clichés

If a guy is lucky enough to peep at a woman through a small opening (keyhole, hole in wall, gap between window shade and windowsill), he will be treated to a full blown peep show as the woman strips and masturbates.

If the girl notices the man peeping at her, she will smile and continue her strip-and-masturbation routine for him. If the man and the woman are in locations physically close to each other (adjoining rooms, for instance), she will then burst into his room, force him to confess, and then fuck him.


Star Trek Fan Fiction Clichés
(Good grief!)

Counselor Troi's breasts are voluptuous, ample, wild, sometimes "huge!," and NEVER less then a D cup.

Counselor Troi's empathic abilities seem to be best employed in giving the most satisfying blowjob in the galaxy.

Worf always shags like a mad beast in heat, never like an intelligent being.

The peak of the seven year cycle of pon far (Vulcan sex) always happens at the most opportune times.

The rules of pon far always seem to bend when Kes, Captain Kirk, or Captain Janeway are in proximity.

If Ensign Ro Laren is on the ship or in the same star system she will be fucking one or more men within 3 paragraphs.

If Harry Kim and Tom Paris are in the same room togther alone for more then three sentinces then they will start having sex with each other.

Same goes for Captain Janeway and Seven of Nine.

All aliens are better hung then humans (unless they are against the Federation).

All aliens have geniltalia that corresponds to human normals.

Like everything else, sex in the Star Trek universe is never less then perfect.

Dax fancies everyone and everything all through her life times weather she was a man at the time or not. (Eample: Curson Dax/Jadzia Dax and Ben Sisko.) She is all ways up for a good rough fucking no matter when where or by who.

Odo quite simply IS the best fuck in the galaxy (he's a shape shifter, do the math).

Odo never uses his amazing abilities to fuck or suck men. More's the pity.


Pedophilia/Incest Clichés

When a baby-sitter, parent, etc. is attracted to a young girl, the girl reciprocates.

If the wife walks in while the father is fucking the daugther she does not get mad but instead drops all her clothes and participates... OR, When one parent discovers that the other has been committing incest with their kids, they applaud and join in.

Incest with no ill effects.

"Teach me about sex, daddy (big brother, uncle, etc.)!"

And when a young girl learns about sex, she's so turned on by it that she brings one or two of her friends over the next day to show them how good it is to learn about sex. These girls never tell their parents, and they never get jealous of each other.

No matter how young a girl is, she has her first orgasm when someone teaches her how to masturbate. Especially when it's the middle of the night and that someone has snuck into her room.

The first step to that climactic all-family orgy starts when the family is forced by circumstances beyond their control to be together in as little (if any) clothing as possible (e.g. broken air conditioner, lost luggage, sleeping together in the same motel room/bed, etc.).

The 10-12 year old boy who still doesn't like talking to girls yet, suddenly notices that his mom or his sister has really nice tits. "He'd never thought about her in a sexual way before...until now."

When Mom/Sis/Aunt accidentally walks in on her masturbating son/brother/nephew, she knows it's time to teach him about sex. So she then calls him into her room, asks him questions about his virginity, and fucks him.

It never crosses Mom's mind that screwing her son is going to cause him problems; it's always her way of "looking out for him" or "getting him ready."


Non-Consensual (rape, etc.) Story Clichés

When a woman first tastes cum, even if it is forced on her, she immediately loves the taste.

Virgins routinely have massive orgasms just after having their hymens torn.

When a woman is raped, she will end up loving it. "No...nooo...nooooooo...ohhhhhh.....yessss...yesss....YYYEESSSSSS!!!"

Women deserve the humilation that comes from being raped, and they will be properly submissive afterwards.

If your home is invaded by robbers, the first thing they will do is tie everyone in the house up and force them to have sex...with each other. And at least one member of your household will enjoy it.


Bestiality Clichés

The endlessly humping dog that acts like a jackhammer for 20 minutes.

Or, the repeated assumption that it's the head of a dog's penis that swells. (It's not. There are two fleshy bulbs at the *base* that swell and produce the knot.)

Or, in yet another classic, it is the bitch who clamps down and locks a man into her. Sorry folks. It happens with women but not bitches.

If a big dog is mentioned in a story (even one that isn't specifically "bestiality"), that dog will end up having sex with a human female.

Horses are incredibly aroused by naked human females.

So are dogs.


ADDITIONAL CATEGORIES WANTED! There's plenty of room here for gay-bisexual-lesbian suggestions, bondage-domination clichés, overused orgy situations, more ridiculous occurences in "Star Trek" and "vampire" stories, and lots more. Drop me a note and praise "Bob!"

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