Fortean Times: Issue #113, August 1998, page 40:
The world was scheduled to end this July. At 9.00 am on 5 July (1), when malaevolent aliens were to descend to Earth and create a living hell for non-believers. The faithful, meanwhile, would be made masters of a remade solar system, ruling over the damned for eternity. This is neither the raving of yet another UFO cult -- although we can probably rest assured that at least one major newspaper will have treated it, straightfaced, as such -- nor the ranting of a crazed fundamentalist; it is something altogether stranger, something which may prove to be uncomfortably close to the truth. It is the doctrine of the cryptic Church of the SubGenius (TM).
The Church (TM) has been enriching the lives of thousands of believers world-wide since the late 1970s. Growing out of the Dallas punk scene -- Devo's Mark Mothersbaugh was an early adherent -- it has grown from a private joke at the expense of the city's myriad insipid televangelists, promising guaranteed salvation for JUST ONE DOLLAR, into a world-spanning pseudo-cult. Along the way, it has proved to be one of the most wide-reaching exercises in guerrilla ontology since Wilson and Shea's mighty Illuminatus! series -- and provided many laughs courtesy of those who just don't get the joke (2).
Inevitably, the SubGenius (TM) cosmology is both confused and confusing. We are expected to put our faith (however briefly) in J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, the greatest salesman ever to walk the Earth, who traditionally manifests in the form of the familiar smiling pipe-smoker we all know and love. On 5 July -- known in the SubGenius (TM) calendar as X-Day -- the aliens, known as the X-ists, will arrive on Earth to wreak havoc. "Bob", as the Ultimate Salesman, will sell them the souls of non-SubGenii -- "pinks" in Church (TM) jargon -- in return for which, those who have accepted "Bob" as their Short Duration Personal Savior (or ShorDurPerSav -- the Church (TM) is very fond of brain-crunching abbreviations) will be taken aboard the X-ists' saucers to live like gods for all eternity.
Of course, things are much, much more complex than that. Over the years, bits and pieces of doctrine have accumulated around the core of Church (TM) thinking, introducing such important concepts as the Launching of the Sacred Bleeding Head of Arnold Palmer, the yeti ancestry of all true SubGenii, Dobb's wife "Connie", and a whole pantheon of allies and adversaries for "Bob" himself -- ranging from the Fightin' Jesus (pro-"Bob") to the mad robot deity JHVH-1 (anti-"Bob"). Lovecraftian aspects creep in with the deity Nghnghngh, while the whole freaky cosmology has more than a whiff of Scientology's little-discussed teachings about Xenu the Galactic Warlord. The whole shebang is simply too frighteningly complex even to try and summarize here; check out the books instead (3).
Obviously, their japery is not without precedent. There is a lot in the Church (TM) which reminds me of the antics of the Situationists, not least in the near-sacramental reverence with which they turn innocuous clip-art and comics to their own subversive ends. The terminology of the Church (TM) consciously echoes that of many other religious movements. For obvious reasons, much of it is based on evangelical Christianity: SubGenii host regular "devivals", while the rolling apocalypse they so eagerly await is known as "the Rupture". Their comics owe a substantial debt to Jack T. Chick's notorious evangelical tracts, and the general tone of their own tracts is recognizably that of a holy roller or televangelist.
The Church (TM), however, has one thing that distinguishes it from the ranks of other cults: they actually have a sense of humour, something the Church (TM) possesses in abundance -- and which masks some genuinely worthwhile ideas, as in among the gibberish and the ravings about yetis and sex asteroids lie nuggets of something approaching spiritual truth...
You see, what the Church (TM) really teaches can be boiled down to one simple phrase: think for yourself. Everything in its scriptures can be seen as a useful lesson in the value of never trusting an expert -- and this extends to the Church (TM) itself, too. Dobbs is, after all, the ultimate salesman, and the Church (TM) his ultimate shill. What could be more perfectly fortean? Moreover, ideas like the ShorDurPerSav (one can adopt "Bob" as ShorDurPerSav until such time as one no longer has need of him) have more than a little in common with certain of the 'magickal' exercises practised by Crowley, as does the emphasis the Church (TM) puts on sex-as-sacrament. Their apparent obsession with money suggests that you don't get salvation without working for it (while also providing the founders with a certain amount of 'frop (4) money).
Of course, the scheduled end of the world -- indeed, the universe -- as we know it might present some problems for the continuation of the Church's (TM) fine works; but given the resilience, inventiveness and sheer spite of their adherents, I suspect that we'll be hearing from them for many years after X-Day is just a distant and ill-recalled memory. Chen Hon-Ming seems to have managed to continue after the non-arrival of the saucers; so will the Church of the SubGenius.
FOOTNOTES
(1) No matter where you are, destruction will come to you at precisely 9.00 am, beginning at the International Date Line, and sweeping slowly westward as the day progresses.
(2) Of whom there are all too many. Issue 3 of John Quel's Hoax magazine features lengthy extracts from a local paper's reports on Church (TM) activities in East Anglia, clearly orchestrated from beginning to end by local SubGenii, and concluding that the "Bob" graffiti which had been appearing around the town were satanic symbols. A rival paranormal magazine, meanwhile, ran an entirely straightfaced warnings about the Church's (TM) activities in their final issue.
(3) The Book of the SubGenius and Revelation X: The "Bob" Apocryphon, published by Fireside Books (Division of Simon & Schuster, Rockefeller Center, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020, USA). The more adventurous may wish to peruse Three-Fisted Tales of "Bob", also published by Fireside Books, which features fictional tales of "Bob" and his comic chums.
(4) It is often asked: what does "Bob" smoke in his pipe? The answer is 'frop, a frighteningly potent psychedelic herb, much too power for mortal bodies. Not grass. Oh no.